With 100 available suitors inDate Everything, you’d have to expect that not every single one of them is going to be a smoke show. While some shine more in personality than looks, there are a handful of dateables that look like they belong in a magazine.
Nearly every dateable in the game is appealing in some form or another, but there are also the chosen few who look like they were handcrafted by the thirst gods themselves—dateables so hot you’d swipe right before the screen even loaded.
Whether they’re drop-dead gorgeous future models, smooth-talking charmers, or are justradiating an unholy amount of raw, unfilteredenergy, these dateables stand out in all the best (and thirstiest) ways. Here’s a list of the hottest dateables in Date Everything—just make sure to have a cold shower ready.
Timothy was one of the first few dateables I romanced, yet I’m still just as obsessed with him now as ever. I mean, come on; who doesn’t love catboys??
His obsession with time can be slightly annoying, but also charming in a gentlemanly, “this man would treat meRIGHT” kind of way. He’s also unfailingly polite and always dressed to impress, without a single hair out of place; he’s the kind of guy your mom always prayed you would marry. Also, the cat ears and tail? Unfairly adorable. I’d let Timothy groom me any day of the week.
Sure, dating him means showing up exactly on time, lectures about respecting the fourth dimension, and probably a hairball or two, but honestly? Totally worth it. I’d waste entire paychecks on watches, clocks, and balls of yarn for him if I thought it’d make him happy.
10Stepford
The Trophy
Stepford is THE trophy husband of your dreams—and not just because he’s a literal trophy.
He might come off as a little full of himself, but trust me, that ego was well-earned.This man invented the term “eye candy”. Constantly polished to perfection, perpetually gleaming, and always posing like there’s a camera just off-screen, Stepford walks into a room and takes all the air right out of it.
With a golden, bronzed-to-perfection body that’s constantly oiled up and ready to go, there’s literally nothing about this man that doesn’t scream “attractive”. He’s got a jawline that could cut glass, blond hair that belongs in a shampoo commercial, and the deserved confidence of 12 runway models stacked on top of each other. What is there not to like??
9Cabrizzio
The Cabinet
Cabrizzio looks like one of those hot models that you’d find on the covers of the trashy romance novels your grandma kept a stack of on her bedside table. And honestly? He low-key acts like it, too.
Not only is this man drop-dead-gorgeous, but the second you walk onto his radar,every ounce of his attention is on you and you alone. The force of this man’s attention is almost overwhelming; he’ll put you on a pedestal and compare you to the gods themselves, blasphemy be damned. He’d drop to his knees and worship the ground you walk on if he thought it’d please you—this man is the definition of husband material.
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If you’ve ever wanted to romance the Italian version of Gomez Addams, then this is your chance. Cabrizzio acts as if he’s been living in darkness his whole life, and you’re the sunlight he’s been praying for. Seriously, if you want to date a sexy Italian who treats you like royalty, then Cabrizzio is the only choice.
I don’t know if I’ve ever intentionally wanted someone to snap me in half, until I turned my dateviotors to Dasha, the desk. This muscle mommy looks like she could break every bone in my body with a flick of her finger, and I’d thank her for it.
With a sculpted body straight out of a powerlifting competition and a voice so thick with Russian dominance it could make concrete crumble,Dasha doesn’t just make your knees weak—she destroys them entirely. Every word out of her mouth with that deep, gravelly accent makes me want to start a new religion in her honor.
She may come off as slightly intimidating at first, but underneath those beautiful, flexed biceps and intimidating energy is a surprisingly gentle heart, if you’re lucky enough to earn it. She’ll offer to carry your emotional baggage and deadlift your enemies into oblivion. It’s like dating your own hot, personal bodyguard!
The Toolbox
Tony is one of those effortlessly hot, down-to-earth guys that you just can’t help but feel attracted to. After all, what’s not to love about a man who’s good with his hands?
With his thick New York accent, strong, calloused hands, and arms that look like they’ve never met a pipe they couldn’t wrench, Tony’s got that rough-around-the-edges charm that makes you want to roll over and beg. Plus, he’s a handyman, so you know he’s not shy about getting his hands dirty.
Sure,he might seem a little gruff, maybe a little loud, and he probably smells like motor oil 90% of the time, but he also shows up when you need him and fixes everything he touches (including your heart). At this point, Tony’s a hell of a lot more than a toolbox; he’s the whole damn package. You’ve never wanted to be sanded down, expertly drilled, and thoroughly hammered so badly in your entire life.
6Dirk & Harper
The Dirty Laundry & The Hamper
I’m putting these two in a single entry because they’re literally never not together, plus they’re already dating each other, which kind of makes them a package deal. Especially if you decide to get on their “Love” route and become the meat in a Dirk and Harper sandwich.
Let’s face it: both of these dateables are about as crazy as it gets. But you can’t deny that,no matter how psycho they are, they’re also both insanely hot. Dirk looks like the kind of guy that would let you do pretty much anything you wanted to him, and Harper’s the kind of gal that would march through Hell and back just to invent new ways to love you.
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It’s the kind of relationship that you might not make it out alive from, but you also probably wouldn’t want to. I mean, come on, look at them. Both of them look like they belong in an underwear modeling agency. If Santa were real, I’d put both of them on my wishlist.
5Luna (Connie)
The Video Game Console
Ever wanted to take your love of video games to the next level? Well, here’s your chance. Dating your video game in a video game about dating is a whole new level of meta that I wasn’t ready to crack open just yet, but here we are.
Luna, aka Connie, is like every gamer’s shameful fantasy come to life: she’s sexy, she’s commanding, and she’s always dressed like she just stepped off the set of a dystopian fashion show. Her skin-tight bodysuit and futuristic fashion sense kind of make her look like a hot stormtrooper from Star Wars, though I’m sure that’s a fact that no one is complaining about.
She’s gota no-nonsense attitude and a “complete the mission at all costs” kind of energyabout her that makes you want to obey her every command. If she asked me to be her human shield in a first-person shooter, I’d do it in a heartbeat. This lady has a hold on my heart stronger than a Reddit moderator with an unsolicited opinion.
Anyone who thinks books are boring clearly hasn’t met Lyric, the Adonis of bookworms.You’ll be begging to borrow literature’s most well-loved classics, just to hear Lyric read them aloud to you in his velvet, soft-spoken timbre that does unspeakable things to your heart.
Lyric literally looks like he was carved byGreece’s most talented gods, with a jawline that belongs in a museum, an incredibly toned physique, and toasty, beautifully bronzed skin that would make any Hollywood star jealous. Sure, he’s got glasses, but he’s not just nerd-hot; he’s immortal hot, like he just walked off of a Percy Jackson movie set.
I would kill and also be killed for this man. He’s not just a stack of literature, he’s the whole damn library, and I want to check out every single book. If you want to be loved by a man who’sdefinitelyread his fair share of romance novels and is ready to use every trick in the book, then give Lyric a call.
The Dust Bunny
Given the fact that Dolly isliterallya PlayBoy bunny, I think she’s got what it takes to be called one ofDate Everything’s hottest dateables. She haunts the dreams of men and women alike with her easy charm, captivating accent, and hourglass figure that puts Marilyn Monroe to shame. Trust me—there’s nothing dusty about this bunny.
Dolly’s gotthe kind of vintage sex appeal that could cause traffic accidents, but that doesn’t stop her from being one of the sexiest scientific minds you’ve ever seen in your life. Despite her looks, she’s also wicked smart and not at all afraid to get her hands dirty; she does archeological work for her university, so you know she’s good at getting down and dirty when she wants to.
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She’s beautiful, she’s witty, she’s effortlessly charming, and she’s got every man she’s ever met lined up outside her door. Dolly could easily command the hearts of armies if she wanted to, if only she said the word. I want this woman to do an archaeological dig into my soul.
2Bathsheba
The Bathtub
Where do I even begin with Bathsheba. She’s a goddess,an otherworldly creature whose beauty feels like both a blessing and a curseto all those who admire her. She looks like the queens and royalty of legend, whom entire kingdoms and armies laid down and died for.
Bathsheba is the kind of woman who can make even the simplest of hygiene rituals feel like a religious experience. She’s elegant, she’s dramatic, she’s dripping, and she knows damn well that she’s the best part of your evening routine.
With glistening, just-bathed skin and dripping curls that frame her face like a painting, Bathsheba could order me around to do her bidding all day long, and I’d thank her for it. She’s a siren made of porcelain and class; I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t crumble before her beckoning beauty like a lighthouse in a monsoon.
